Baby Interrupted

Attachment: emotional glue between parent and child.

There I go again, re-defining words for my purposes.

But my intentions are good [really better than pavement for the path to H.E.doublehockeysticks.]

I am honorably intent on expanding understanding of the natural connection between parent and child. A lot of emphasis is on the child bonding with to their parent, but I want to shine equal light on the parent part of attachment. And show the differences between how a parent attaches and how an infant attaches.

In the comments on my previous post, virtually everyone (Katy, Carla, Candace, Stephanie, DadatKintropy, Danette and Jenn) described some form of interruption from attaching or bonding after a difficult birth or with a baby who had immediate medical needs. While eye-contact seems to figure greatly in attachment between an infant and a parent, touch seems to figure-in as equally important for parents.

On the hopeful side, even without animal-like instantaneous attachment/bonding after birth, several testimonies show that attachment still occurred despite interrupted beginnings.

What would you estimate as the percentage of baby-birth stories that are fairy-tale-perfect?

 
(Image from here.)

 

[I think fairy tales get a bad rap these days, but that’s another post.]  For those of us who have both the capacity and the encouragement to dream of wanted children, care that prepares us for a birth, and joy in parenthood, the mental creation of a fairy-tale-birth comes with the caveat of what-if-it-doesn’t-happen-as-expected?

What if the baby has problems, carrying the baby is compromised, delivery is early (very early), or the delivery is surgical?

Baby interrupted. [The title for this post is a take-off of a movie title; (something like) Youngfemale Interrupted. A movie I do NOT recommend and which I nixed from viewing by Younger Teen just this past weekend.]

The fact that most parents eventually attach/bond with their children after medical interruption is strong evidence that attachment is not entirely reflexive for the parent. In fact, the feelings of attachment parents have for their children promote cognition, naturally.

Combined with vision and touch stimulating natural attachment, with each decision to return to the interrupted-baby is cognitive intent. Driving the next visit, and the next.

Parents can experience this cognitive attachment because they have fully-developed cortexes. The baby on the other hand, is working from a much less developed brain and nervous system. Reflexes might dominate the infant’s response, but with repetition, and over time, evidently, an interrupted-baby will attach to his caregivers.

Attachment is a two-way process in which each way is very different and not equal in capacity or manner. Thoughts increase the emotional glue between the parent and the child.

I have a few more thoughts on emotional and cognitive attachment to share in one more post. (In the background I am planning the launch for my November giveaways.)

Comments

[david]

funny, i just watched sleeping beauty a few weeks ago!

[Stacey Harris]

My daughter Jessica's birth story kept popping into my headwhen I was reading your post... so I wanted to share a bit here-
She came at 33 1/3 weeks-- after a 5 minute Emergency C-section they didn't even put me under ! I woke-up a day later and knew I had a miracle but I had yet to see or even hold proof!
Finally I went and saw my precious child-- the nurses in the NICU let me believe that she had yet to smile for them.

Kangaroo care was the bestest thing in the whole world.
(The baby is in a diaper on your nearly naked chest then covered with warm blankets--you cuddle and rock with the child,both my husband and I did this with my daughter and it sure helped us!)
Thanks for letting me share!

[danielle]

Eventually every parent has a moment or two when the fairy tale is MUCH closer to reality than wished!

I've had fairy tale moments with all three of my kids. And not so much...with all three of my kids.

But that's part of the charm of parenting...right?

...danielle

[starrlife]

Interesting thoughts Barbara. It makes me wonder about those babies in central European orphanages, or any orphanages. I deal with a lot of children from foster homes etc and we discuss and consider "attachment" issues all of the time, from a lot of different perspectives. I think that parents "feelings" of attachment are not necessarily all coming from the same place. If parents have skewed ideas about their relationship to others than that is going to get played out with their infant, in my opinion. Of course I come from the psych perspective... many people become parents for a variety of reasons that have very little to do with the other being brought into life. Sigh...

[The Barbara who lives here]

You watch A LOT of movies, david - thank goodness. I enjoy your reviews.

You are MOST welcome, Stacey. I like that word 'bestest'. Need to use it more often.

Hmmm. Interesting use of the word 'charm', danielle. There were 3 'good' fairy godmothers and one evil magical woman. What do you think? The good/bad charm ratio is 3/1?

Agreeing with you, starrlife, all around. Not surprised that you 'get' my implication that parents who do not or cannot 'attach' to their children in a healthy way are a source for the problems of their children. Regarding the children in orphanages, they lack much more than attached parents.

All this to say that for those who are capable, attachment is in part - a decision.

[Candace]

Very interesting, Dr. Boucher. I enjoy reading your views on these topics. Although, they often dredge up memories both good and bad. I had an instant bond with Faith despite the trauma and I always assumed her with me. As time has gone by, it becomes evident, as she grows. She relies on me to explain things to people and help lift her to her wheelchair, carseat, bed. She expects me to help her in the world since we have an unspoken understanding that not even Hubby has with her. If he is struggling with her over something she is trying to get him to do or understand, I can walk in the room for about 1/2 of one second and instantly interprete what she is trying to say or show or get accomplished. And she knows this and we use it interchangable together, every day of our lives. I am grateful for this connection we have, as that part was not always there.

[Angi]

We did not have that first opportunity to bond either as Elizabeth was born so early was too unstable to touch and I myself was too sick to see her. When she became more stable we bonded through kangaroo care, I loved those quiet opportunities to cuddle with her. She was so tiny that when her foot moved it felt like a butterfly and grazed me.

Fast forward to today and she loves to cuddle and will try to exert her powers to having her Daddy cuddle her to sleep.

Thank you for the kind words on the Growing Your Baby blog, it was nice to hear. As for your question regarding March of Dimes, here in Canada MOD does not actively support Prematurity. It is a shame and if I had more time I would look into it.

[The Barbara who lives here]

Eeek. I feel bad when you feel bad, Candace. Must be some kind of blog-attachment I have for my commenters.

Thank you, Candace, and Angi for sharing your experiences when your babes were born. Hoping other parents get a good feeling of kinship with you - and go visit your blogs, too.

You are most welcome, Angi. My pleasure. I should probably link March of Dimes in my sidebar. Off for more bloggy-work!