The Take-home Message

In my frequent sometimes criticism of journalism I point out how the negative is mostly emphasized.  I presume this is what is standard to the profession business - for, well, business-sake.  You know, get people's attention and evoke emotions so that they will buy your work publication. 

So when you read this article, please keep in mind the positive aspect I bring to your attention. 

Your children are happy being who they are. 

The comments on the article are worth reading, too, and many thanks to Alison for posting the link on her Princess daughter's blog.

Concern over quality-of-life is not just for children with visibly and more-involved diagnoses.  Danette does an excellent job of musing the various aspects of helping others understand the differences in children with walk-around and talk-different kinds of behaviors. 

Your children and others take their cues from you on addressing your children.  When you are confident of your child's worth and self-image, that confidence will show. 

Comments

[Stephanie Nance]

What a great article! I've been reminded many times over the years that there are worse things...worse things than being poor and worse things than having a disability. To let your level of happiness be determined by your circumstances is worse for one thing. Thanks for sharing this!

[Julie]

[Your problem won’t be that you will not love your new daughter, but that you will love her too much]

The author of this article tied this to the effect having a child with a disability has on siblings.

I thought of a quote I recently read. One of the books I am reading for Lent is Meditations On A Theme by Metropolitan Anthony Bloom. The theme follows the Sundays leading to Lent in the Orthodox Church. It isn't about disability per se. But, I immediately tied one of the things he wrote to my relationship with Marissa.

"Oh, please love me less but leave me free, I'm a prisoner of your love; because you love me you want to determine all my life, you want to shape all my happiness. If only you did not love me, I could be myself!"

Thanks for linking to this great article... and to Danette's blog entry.

[Barbara who lives here]

Another astute thought shared with us, Stephanie. Thank you. Definitely worse than most things is the feeling that outside forces control your life. a la "I cannot be happy because my life is not as represented in the mass media." Allowing others to define happiness for self. Perhaps to a lesser extent but in the same vein is: "I cannot be happy because my child is not like others."

I agree with you, Stephanie. Not much worse than that.

Julie, you bring additional profound thoughts to the comments here, too. In the quote from Bloom, if you replace the word 'myself' with the word 'child' - eh?

Thank you, too, Julie for extending our thinking to how children bat against our boundaries meant to protect them. How easy it is to give-into showing our love by giving-into their demands.

Repeated thanks to Alison and Danette - from all of us.

[Katy]

Wow, Barbara, truly awesome essay. You know, that facts about happiness don't surprise me at all--all teenagers are miserable and most adults are about as happy as they allow themselves to be. This article says so clearly what so many parents are thinking.

[jeanette]

You might be wondering when I was going to chime in. I have been so incredibly swamped lately that I am behind on my blog reading. So, having said that.... BRAVO, my dear Barbara! I LOVED this post. As a mother of a daughter with designer genes I have heard all kinds of comments from people. One of the ones that just makes me cringe is when people say (especially in news articles) that someone "Suffers" from Down Syndrome. UGH!!! #$@%!& My daughter does not suffer from anything except the common cold and lately pink-eye and allergies... but surely not DS. And our family does not "suffer" either. On the contrary, we are blessed by her life. She has changed us for the better. I will say, however that there is a caution in that statement about loving your child too much. We are VERY conscious of balancing our affections with my two sons as well. Anyway, this was a great post and I applaud your referencing the article. It was very interesting.

[Alison]

I loved this article, it is so well written and expresses the issue so well. Yet it also bothered me, because before I became a mother to a disabled child, I had all those selfish, oh-poor-soul-must-be-so-unhappy feelings about disability. And I felt ashamed. Abigail has profoundly changed our life and philosophy, and whilst I would prefer her not to have some of the health issues she has, for me she is simply perfect. Just like my two other sons are also perfect. Because I am a doting Mum to three angels! I'm glad you took the time to share the article Barbara, and I'm comforted that it rang bells for others too!

[Barbara who lives here]

Katy you have provided another concise bit of truth about people, age and happiness. Thanks! I can only take credit for recognizing good work to share - still giving credit to Alison for linking this article in the first place.

Hey, jeanette - I have been reading about what is keeping you busy - recommend y'all click on her name to read about her trip to DC. You are sweet to compliment me but ALISON gave me the link. I'm just doing my usual-beat-up-on-the-media thing...hoping my readers will start to read-between-the-lines, too.

And, dear, Alison, we are all grateful you blog the life of one your angels! (The other two do get frequent mention.)

We are all the better people for knowing each other, eh?

[Mia]

Very concise; very true.

I think about how other kids in our new neighborhood read our son. I notice them mocking him, but in a horribly negative way....we aren't that to him, but they exaggerate with their own feelings towards him. One little boy likes to be the center of attention and our son tends to get more attention than he, so he doesn't seem to care for our son...digressing.

Thanks for writing this, leaving the reminder. I'm sure I'll be referring to it later.

[Barbara who lives here]

You're welcome, Mia. Lots of 'social education' opportunities out there, eh?

I liked this answer to the mean things kids say to each other: "So?"

hehe - what does a mean kid say to that? And I think "So?" expresses self-confidence - as in "you say that as IF it bad". Not.

This happens among all children where bullies pick on perceived weaker children - not just children with diagnoses - even if they are more frequent targets.

[Danette]

Thanks for sharing this, it's a great article for awareness and perspective. It's quite sad too, in terms of the ignorance out there.

Thanks for the link to my blog and Alison's, it was the first time I have read hers and I enjoyed it.

Also, thanks for your comment on my post, you really summed it up when you said, "parenting is a constant judgment call." So true! I just hope we get it right at least part of the time :).

[Barbara who lives here]

You and me, too, Danette - at least part of time! For sure, both you and Alison get blogging right all the time.

After reading one post in the Disability Blog Carnival today - I wondered - would the prejudices be so evident if it weren't for the electronic media? It's almost like talking against the ignorant behavior gives it more life.